Grieving and Motherhood

I have found that becoming a mother has given my grieving process a new facet, a new level. 

I lost my sister, Megan, in May 2008 when she was killed by a reckless and drunk driver.  She was only 25 years old and she certainly did not deserve to die.  She was so full of life and was just coming into a new phase of her life when she was taken from this world.  Soon after her death, we gathered together as a family and decided that we would need a way to pay tribute to my beautiful sister so we began a memorial foundation in her name - http://www.meganashleyperry.org/.  The foundation has been doing great work so far and we only have bigger things in our future.  All of that is wonderful ...

BUT

I miss her and that never goes away.  Becoming a mother to M has made my grief even more present in all of the small moments of the day when I find myself wishing that she was here, wishing I could lean on her during the hard times and celebrate with her during all of the good times.  I hate knowing that my dear sweet M will never know his Auntie Megan in this world.  It breaks my heart that she will never take him to the zoo and encourage him to look at all of the animals, especially the ones that scare him so that he can get over his fear.  It breaks my heart that she will never get to take him to a University of Delaware football game and show off her nephew to all of her alumni friends.  It breaks my heart that he will never get to hear all about New Zealand and how he should go there someday.  I wish for her encouragement and chiding when M has his first stomach virus and I must finally get over my fear of vomit.  I ache knowing that he will never dance with her on the dance floor.  I wish that I could hear her calling out to him in her ridiculous British accent.  I long to hear her voice when motherhood has gotten the best of me for the moment and she lifts me up from the depths of my momentary low.  Most of all, I just want her here with me to enjoy this new phase of life and I want to tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am for anything that I ever did to make her feel otherwise. 

Each day, I tackle my grief as well as I can but on days like today, it gets the best of me.  I hold M while he sleeps and just cry, grieving her absence and the deep, darkness of my sadness.